Lonely or Over-Stimulated? Making Sense of Loneliness

How many of you have felt lonely at some point in the last few months? I bet most of you would say “Me,” myself included. Interestingly, when I shared my feelings with friends, nearly all of them said they feel lonely at times too—whether they're in a relationship, single, with or without kids, or pets. I was intrigued and decided to dive into some research. 

What I found when researching ‘loneliness’, is pretty interesting: According to a Meta-Gallup survey of more than 140 countries, one in four people feel either very or fairly lonely. Shocking, but, to be honest, not too surprising. What did surprise me, however, was that the highest rate of loneliness was reported among young adults aged 19 to 29. I expected to see this more in an older demographic, not among people in the prime of their lives.

So, why is that?

The Deal With Loneliness 

Merriam-Webster defines "lonely" as follows: being without company, cut off from others, or sad from being alone. I believe that we are all familiar with this sensation, but what are the actual reasons behind it? My bold assumption is that, in many cases, it's not because we are physically alone or deprived of social connections, but because our definition of "connectedness" and the accessibility of social interaction have changed.

I believe that today, we need to differentiate between loneliness as defined by Merriam-Webster and perceived loneliness. By perceived loneliness, I mean the sensation and experience of feeling alone, even when we actually aren’t. It’s a fairly common scenario I experience with myself and many of my clients: we spend the entire day in the office with our co-workers or hanging out with friends, but the moment we get home and settle, a sudden wave of loneliness or unrest washes over us. The question I started asking myself is, "Why? What is missing?" And the common denominator in most cases was: noise.

I’m not talking about acoustic noise, but about sensory clutter in general. Constantly being surrounded by sensory stimuli means our brains are exposed to short bursts of dopamine – and the price we pay for that is a hypersensitive and unsustainable cognition that is always searching for the next satisfaction.

What if our brains are so oversaturated with external stimuli that they start mistaking the lack of stimuli with feeling lonely? 

Social Media and the False Sense of Connectedness

One thing I noticed about myself is that whenever I find myself in a state of perceived loneliness, my initial urge is to grab my phone and satisfy my need for social interaction. The obvious antidote to feeling lonely seems to be interacting with people—so what better way to do that than on social media, right?

Social media and its impact on loneliness deserve an entire article of their own, but here’s a quick round-up of some of the most interesting findings I came across in my research: (1) extensive use of social media has been shown to make us less social; (2) there is a strong correlation between frequent social media use and feelings of loneliness; and (3) the biochemical reaction that social media triggers in our brains (the release of dopamine) is similar to that of using drugs like cocaine. You get my point. 

Instagram, TikTok, and Co. have successfully created an illusion of hyper-social environments that are always accessible. Social Media is giving us what our brain learned to crave: more news, more messages, more stimuli. As a result, telling someone to just ‘stop using it’, isn’t really a realistic or sustainable solution. 

As with most things in life, the first step to tackling a problem is developing awareness about it. 

Looking at our Loneliness with Curiosity 

Loneliness is a highly subjective experience, shaped by personality, resilience, sensitivity, awareness levels, and learned emotional responses. The why is slightly different for each of us. While this makes it more complex, it also creates opportunities to approach loneliness from different perspectives and find the right way to address it.

Once you are aware of the true origin of your loneliness, you are much better equipped to address it and regain control over it. If you recognize that your loneliness stems from being accustomed to constant social validation from Instagram and other platforms, you might consider setting boundaries around social media use and reassuring yourself that you’re not truly alone. If you realize it’s because you’re home alone instead of out with friends, you can learn to appreciate these quiet moments for yourself and view them as a time to recharge for your next social gathering.

Befriending Moments of Nothingness

One major step towards successfully implementing this change and redefining the way we experience loneliness is by befriending moments of quiet and “aloneness.” Remember that there is a significant difference between being lonely and being alone: “alone” is a physical state where you are by yourself, while “lonely” is an emotional state, as defined above. Being alone or not exposed to any form of entertainment doesn’t have to be scary or uncomfortable. On the contrary, what we can learn in those moments about ourselves is often more valuable than checking whether someone messaged us or seeing if Netflix has published a new mediocre show.

Side note: Interestingly, many of us are actually scared of being with ourselves, as we may discover things we don’t want to deal with. Picking up the phone or turning on the TV becomes a coping mechanism. This is a fascinating topic that deserves an entire blog series of its own, so stay tuned! 

And of course, as always, if you feel you could use some support on your journey to regain more control over your habits, cravings, and coping mechanisms, feel free to reach out. I offer a free consultation for anyone interested in a coaching program.